His name was Pondo.
Pondo Sinatra.
You know he came to the college on the back of a turnip truck.
Now, that's the truth.
The problem was, he only had one thing on his mind.
He had a hard-on.
I was a janitor at that college for 23 years...
and I've never seen a boy try harder than he did to get himself a woman.
But he was jinxed. Even for a white boy, he was awful.
Old Pondo had an almost supernatural ability...
to get on the wrong side of a woman.
Who would have ever thought it would turn out the way it did?
Strangely enough, I was his best friend through the whole ordeal.
I remember...
the first time I saw him driving up in the back of that turnip truck.
I thought to myself, "Now there is a geek."
But basically, he was just a very nice guy.
He just had a one-track mind. He was obsessed.
I went out with Pondo, once. And one time only.
Never again.
I heard about him. And everything I heard about him was true.
And now he's famous. I don't believe it.
There was something about him.
I think he made me want to throw up.
He was, what you call in America, a nerd.
All this talk, it's like Pondo was turned into this big myth or something.
He was just an ordinary guy. He was very horny, yes, but an ordinary guy.
I heard he was raised on a pig farm. I believe it.
He wasn't that bad.
I was the first one. It all started with me.
I think I'm the one that should be famous. Not him. Creep.
I tried to introduce him to campus life.
There were some amazing-looking girls at the school.
I tried to teach him about sports.
I tried to teach him to walk like a stud.
He was hopeless. Everyone agreed.
Pondo Sinatra was going to die a virgin.
I never dreamed it would turn out the way it did.
- Women hate me. - That's ridiculous.
I'd sell my soul for a piece of ass.
- Don't say that. - It's true.
I know it might be true, but don't say it out loud.
- I'd sell my soul for a piece of ass! - Damn it! You'll be sorry you said that.
Pondo, no.
- Why not? - I'm not that kind of a girl.
- Yes, you are. - Pondo, stop it!
Why?
I don't know you well enough.
- Please. I'm a virgin. - Get used to it.
Please, I got to know what it's like. I'm going blind.
- Pondo, don't beg. - Why not?
Drive me home.
- Bend over and I'll drive you home. - That's disgusting!
Don't go. I'm sorry. Please.
Pondo Sinatra, everything I've heard about you is true.
You're an animal. You're disgusting and you're gross.
Can I call you tomorrow?
Seduction is an art. You make love, you create art.
You, Pondo, you wage war, you understand?
Studley, it is a war. It's hell.
Old Pondo was 26 years old when he started to college.
Now, you've heard of a "second-year senior."
Well, old Pondo, he was a "fifth-year senior."
They finally held an election and booted the boy out.
You have to learn to set the mood.
Romance her. Woo her.
Charm her.
Atmosphere, Pondo. Set the stage.
I'm gonna take you on a great picnic.
- Ever had a picnic before? - No.
There's a lovely area down here.
Here we go!
Easy.
Here it is.
This is lovely.
Look at the birds, the sky.
Pondo, this is beautiful.
The flowers, they are like snow.
Pondo, this is so romantic.
- Just setting the stage. - The stage?
- I love the theater. - Do you?
"You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things."
You creeks, where Dead Man's Fingers grow.
Brilliant! Bravo!
Testing. One, two, three.
Thank you. Of course, you know I am a theater major?
- I'm a thespian. - A lesbian?
No, I am an actress.
I like to show off. You see?
- Curtain. - We've got a live one, Pondo.
Oh, God, I love nature.
I love the sun and its hydrogen...
licking my burning skin.
Testing. One, two, three.
Protoplasm, come to get me.
I love the wind whirling.
- What's that? - My hearing aid.
- I'll talk louder. - That's okay. That's fine.
Don't panic. Give her the champagne.
Do you want some champagne?
I can do without the sham. Just give me the pain.
Don't whine.
It's a pun, yes? Are you a poet? Are you a wit?
- I am a nitwit. - I am a nitwit.
- A half-wit. - I'm a half-wit.
- A moron. - I'm a moron!
- Really? - Goddamn you, Studley.
Will you just trust me on this? Okay?
Before you...
I am wordless and brainless...
struck dumb...
and left mindless...
before the ferocious intelligence of your beauty.
...before the ferocious intelligence of your beauty.
You silver-tongued little devil.
- No devil. - You are certainly no saint!
- I am a pilgrim. - I am a pilgrim.
Come to worship.
Worship what, pilgrim?
My headphones are out!
That's okay, I can hear you.
Worship what, pilgrim?
Worship what? Tell me and I am yours.
Make up something.
- The holy spot. - No!
The vernal delta.
- The bearded clam. - Pondo.
- I thought you were a poet. - I am.
Well, then make love to me in verse.
Go. Do it.
Do it, or I'm leaving.
"Roses are red, violets are blue
"You got big tits, I want to suck on them, too"
- I'm leaving. - Wait. Natasha!
Pondo, you've got to learn to knock.
You've got enough knockers in here.
- What do you want? - I'm gonna kill myself.
Pondo, don't give up.
All right.
I'll help you.
- You will? - Sure.
- How? - Have you ever seen the school nurse?
- She is beautiful. - She's yours.
- Mine? - For the asking.
- How? What do I say to her? - Get her to examine you.
What will I say?
Tell her you've got a problem with your pecker.
I got a problem with my pecker.
- What? - My hooter.
- How long have you had it? - I've had my hooter all my life.
What's the problem with your member?
- My what? - Your member.
I never thought of him as a member.
I always thought of him as a loner.
Take off your pants.
Underwear, too.
I'll take off mine if you take off yours.
Get up on the table.
No!
Pondo, you've got to quit giving up.
- You just need some training. - Training? What do you mean?
- You need to know what to do. - I know what to do.
But you don't know how to do it. You need a teacher.
But you said you were my teacher.
You said you were my teacher.
I want to take you to see my teacher, Elbow.
- Elbow? - Elbow.
Okay.
Shit, Studley, I'm sorry.
Hey, it's all right, man.
So, you've come to old Elbow for some advice?
Yes, sir.
You ain't getting no pussy, are you?
No, sir.
Why do you think we call pussy, "pussy"?
- I don't know, sir. - Because it's furry?
Because it's warm?
Because it scratches when it gets angry?
No? Well, what then?
Now, it don't purr and it don't meow!
Then why do we call it "pussy"?
I don't know, sir.
Because that old hound dog wants to eat it up.
You've got to be the hound dog.
You've got to let that pussy know you're the hound dog.
Put it in your mind. Feel it in your body.
Hound dog's gonna eat that pussy.
Let me hear you say that.
Hound dog is gonna eat that pussy.
No. Hound dog's gonna eat that pussy.
Hound dog is gonna eat that pussy.
Hound dog. One more.
Hound dog is gonna eat that pussy.
Hey, there. What's going on, nigger.
Get down.
Hey, brothers, where be the dames tonight?
I don't want to go home on three legs.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
You ain't a man till you made it with a tan.
Hey, baby, what's shaking.
Excuse me, sucker.
Hound dog is not running with the pack tonight.
Good evening, darling.
Hound dog's come to make love.
Hey, brothers. Listen, take note, and look.
Because the hound dog, he done written the book.
I am a man. I am a brother.
I'm a soul brother. I'm a...
Honky.
I'm going to kill myself.
Hi, girls.
My name is Lula Belle.
- Would you like to play some cards? - What kind of cards do you want to play?
Strip poker?
Fine.
- Does everybody understand how to play? - I don't understand.
You mean if I lose, I lose my clothes?
Absolutely. Littlest card loses.
So if I lose, I lose big, no?
Take one. Let's see how your luck is. There you go. One for you.
- Okay, show your cards. - Seven.
- Nine. - What did you get?
I got a two.
Well, you got to play by the rules. Off it comes.
- I am embarrassed. - Don't be. We're all girls. Come on.
- Show the boobies. - Take off your goddamn shirt.
More cards.
I win.
I lose.
Take your shirt off.
Oh, I love this!
Lula Belle, how come you always win?
Shut up. All right, go ahead.
- What's that? - It's a little lady problem.
That's no lady.
Women hate me.
- It's because I'm ugly. - You're not ugly.
- I'm short. - Napoleon was short.
- Did he ever get laid? - All the time.
I'm from Alabama.
I'm sure that Southern people get laid.
Studley, we lost the war.
Yeah, I know. But, I mean, that was years ago.
A defeat like that kills all the romance in a woman's heart.
I really find that hard to believe.
I'd sell my soul for a piece of ass.
- Don't say that. - It's true.
I know it might be true, but don't say it out loud.
- I'd sell my soul for a piece of ass! - Damn it! You'll be sorry you said that.
I think you need some new clothes. Clothes make the man.
I want you to go to Willinger's.
You got that? Willinger's. It's a clothing store.
You tell them to give you the works.
Willinger's.
Studley said to give me the works.
Help!
I don't wanna be a punk rocker!
Damn you, Studley.
Hi, Studley.
Shut up! Would you shut up!
I am not an animal.
- Bullshit! That's an animal! - Yeah.
Pondo, don't worry about it, because I got it all figured out.
This is absolutely guaranteed to get you laid.
I have never seen this fail.
"One blow job, $22.50."
"One hand job, $11.50."
"One hemorrhoid massage, $12.95."
Hi, girls.
Pondo, come on.
No, don't go away. Come on. Don't be embarrassed.
Attaboy.
- Hi, girls. - What the hell?
- Oh, my God! - A face only a cockroach would love.
We've got money.
- I'd rather fuck my father. - Get away from me!
Studley?
Damn! All dressed up and no place to go.
Elbow, you got to help me with Pondo.
- Can't do it. - Talk to him.
- I talked to him. It didn't help. - He keeps trying to kill himself.
That's 'cause he can't get no tail, Studley.
But I'll tell you something.
The more tail you get, the more tail you get.
- You ought to know that, Studley. - Yes, sir.
The less tail you get, the less you get. Now that's true, too.
Amen.
Pondo is going downhill, and he's picking up speed by the minute.
- Best just get out of the way. - I can't do that. He's my best friend.
This is bigger than friendship. This is what you call cosmic.
- Really? - Yeah.
The Buddhists call it, let me see, reincarnation.
I thought you were a Baptist.
I figure Pondo is paying for some past lifetime.
He be bad back then.
Maybe a Pharaoh.
- Maybe he had a harem of 1,000 wives. - A thousand wives?
You know, maybe he was a jackrabbit.
- A jackrabbit? - Yeah, now, that explains it.
In a past life, Pondo was a horny little jackrabbit.
And he got so much rabbit pussy, the good Lord said, "You can't have no more."
That explains it all.
I don't know. I have never seen anybody try so hard.
Me, neither.
But you know what? That's nature.
And Mother Nature is a beautiful woman.
She be a fine piece of ass. Understand?
Yes, sir.
Leave it be. That's what you call "karma."
Karma.
I just want a piece of ass.
What am I doing wrong?
Party animal.
Stop it! Help me, Elbow.
I don't want to be exactly, Elbow...
Napoleon.
Tell me what to do.
Please. I just want a little piece of ass.
- Not if you were the last man on Earth. - Please.
- Forget it. - No.
I'm not a virgin.
- Virgin. - No.
Who is that?
Trouble.
I see that girl everywhere I go. I even started dreaming about her.
Hey, forget her.
Forget? Hell, now, that's a woman.
Studley, how the hell am I going to get laid?
Drugs. Women love drugs.
The drugs are here!
I got drugs! I got uppers!
Hey, ladies, drugs. Women love drugs.
Anybody got a lighter?
Good shit!
Why don't we do some pills?
Boy, I need some Coke.
Boy. Good!
Acid.
My God, I'm purple.
Mirror!
Spike them out here.
We'll do a line or two here.
Who are you?
Pondo.
Look out! Excuse me!
- Who's he? - You don't want to know.
Hi, girls.
All right, what's this for?
Twins.
Do you know how unhappy this one paragraph makes me?
Do you know what this is about?
This is about the SALT talks. Do you know what the SALT talks are?
Sure, boss. Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty.
That's right. That's very good. So what they do, they're saying...
"Listen, get some more missiles. Moscow has more missiles, we need more missiles."
They've come up with a new program.
They call it START. Do you know what START is?
Strategic Arms Reduction Talks?
That's very good, too, but you see, what it really means, is...
it's the start of the end.
It's the start of nuclear destruction in this world, as we know it today.
Wait a minute. I can give you little audio-visual aids here.
You take this missile here, okay.
This will represent a missile in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
This'll be the DEFCON 4 in Colorado.
All right? Those are yours.
We'll set up some missiles in Moscow. I've got this one, and this one over here.
Red Square, right there.
Now let's say this is the President.
Okay?
So one day he comes into the office after having a bad night.
It hasn't been so good for him, right?
So this prick comes into his office, scratches his head, and says...
"I think I'll blow up the world today." He leans over, presses the button.
What does that do? Launches your missile from Pittsburgh, right?
Go ahead. Launch it.
Moscow sees it coming and says...
"Americanski is sending a missile, we have to take care of this."
Russia is really pissed off, now, right?
So they decide to send a missile of their own, right?
Okay, we've got a mess here. A total mess.
But one more thing. Russia's got a missile they've been keeping up their sleeve.
They roll it into position, they launch it, and...
we're fucked.
- Scary shit, boss. - Yeah.
It's a shame because, you know, I love America.
America could have been somebody. America could have been a contender.
- I need something to help me with women. - You came to the right place.
Well, sell me something.
I got just the thing here for beginners.
I got a little starter model right here.
- What is it? - It's a vibrator.
I'll take it.
- What size do you want? - I want the biggest one you got.
- The M-5, boss? - The M-5.
- You don't want that one. - He wants it.
You don't want that one, kid.
- I want it. - The M-5 sexual device? You don't want it.
Yes, he does. He wants the M-5.
The M-5 is the greatest sexual device ever devised.
I want the M-5.
Pondo, come on, it's cold out here.
Lenora, don't go away. I'll be right back.
This is going to be worth it.
Elbow.
Let her rip.
Elbow, turn it on.
- May I help you? - I'm here to see the Dean.
Really?
Name?
Pondo Sinatra.
Mr. Sinatra is here to see you.
Yes, ma'am.
You can go right in.
Thanks, ma'am.
This thing blacked out the entire campus last night, Mr. Sinatra.
We have rules at this college, Mr. Libido.
And if you do not abide by those rules, you'll be out on your ass!
- Is that clear? - Yes, ma'am.
You may go.
Absolutely anything is possible.
From interstellar communications...
to the development of a functioning...
aphrodisiac.
- Let us first look... - Prof. Schmidt.
Yeah, Herr Sinatra?
What is an aphrodisiac?
The word "aphrodisiac" comes from...
the African root...
"Aphro"...
meaning, "large penis"...
and the Greek...
"disiac," which means...
"want it bad."
Now class, please repeat after me.
Aphrodisiac.
Large penis. Want it bad.
You got it.
Professor.
If one wanted to make an aphrodisiac...
what would one do?
One would have to find, you see...
that element...
which most stimulates...
the female libido.
- Please, Louise. - No, I want to go.
- I've got something for you. - I'll bet you do.
No, it's not what you think.
- What is it? - You will never guess.
- A hot beef injection? - Nope.
A trouser worm? What is it?
What's that?
Well, this is a...
Oh, shit.
Hey.
Help me.
- Do you know what these are? - No.
- Gas pills. - What?
- They make you fart. - Make you fart?
Come on.
Now I've done it. Twenty-two years of blue balls and now it's over.
- Sophia. - Studley, mamma mia!
Just go out with him.
He's my best friend. I can't get anyone else on campus to go out with him.
- Please, Studley. - Now, he does not speak Italian.
No Italiano.
He is going to be here at 6:00.
Right. Yeah, bye.
Swallow. Just swallow.
That's good.
Let's take your car.
Don't light a match!
Don't light a match.
Mr. Sinatra, you leave me no choice.
Your presence at this university can no longer be tolerated.
God knows what I'm gonna tell the parents of these poor children.
Oh, shit.
Not a pretty sight, is it, Pondo?
Are you pleased with yourself?
Pack your things and get out.
Hey, Pondo.
- I heard you got thrown out of school. - Yes, sir.
You don't have to clean up that mess. I'll clean it up.
Don't worry about it. I made the mess, I'll clean it up.
You got it.
Hi, Holly.
- I know. - What?
Shut up and kiss me.
- That was wonderful. - I know.
This shit's eating me alive.
- Don't go. - Easy, baby.
Now I'm going to show you the eighth wonder of the world.
Don't you touch me!
Holly.
What is this shit?
Elbow.
Elbow, wait. I'll clean it up. I'll do it.
It ain't that much fun, Pondo.
No, go on, Elbow, I'll clean it up. Go have a bourbon in the boiler room.
Bye, Elbow. So long.
Are you it?
Talk to me.
Not that much.
Are you what I've been looking for?
I got it. Elbow.
Studley, I got it.
No! Not the whipped cream, please!
Hi, girls.
Out of the way, Studley.
What happened?
- I found it. - Found what?
- I'm a party animal. - Yeah, I can see that.
Where are the girls?
Pondo, the girl is half a mile away.
Hey, girlie.
Over here.
- This is the Mount Everest of womanhood. - No sweat!
- These girls live behind steel doors. - No sweat.
No man has ever made it to the third floor of this building.
- Studley, no sweat. - All right.
Hi, baby.
Kiss me.
Studley, I did it!
Au contraire, Pondo, look.
Pondo.
Go.
That's my Pondo.
And stop.
Pondo, I am so proud of you!
We got to get you back in school.
- I've got to see the Dean. - She's busy.
But I'm not.
New in town, sailor?
I've got a headache.
- You need to relax. - No. You need to relax.
Be calm. Take a deep breath. See these fingers?
They work wonders. This won't hurt a bit.
- I promise. - No, you don't, no way.
Oh, my God. I think I'm in love.
Dean Fox.
You are not Dean Fox!
No, honey, I'm the new Dean.
Look what the gods done sent me.
In 1925...
Dr. Bob Stern discovered this.
He believed this was some sort of symbol for...
people who would go into the cave, to tell them how to get out.
Because he himself had gotten lost at this point...
Would you knock it off?
We call this the "Stern Map."
- They used this at NASA... - Sorry, Professor.
...from Earth up to the moon and back.
Pondo, take me!
Back!
Studley, I don't know if I like this anymore.
Pondo, this is every man's dream!
I'm scared and I'm tired. Go away!
- Scared of what? - Every woman I see wants me.
- That's wonderful. - No, it's terrible, Studley.
I've been greedy.
I'm like King Midas. Everything I touch turns to poontang.
What is this? All this fuss, this commotion?
Over who? Over Pondo?
Of course, in the total scope of things, he wasn't asking for very much.
He just wanted to get himself a little, that's all.
No!
Old Pondo.
For a white boy, he did all right.
Pondo?